Monday, March 01, 2004

Are You From... Where? (March 2004)

The night before I went out witnessing with the Transitions Evangelism team, I was walking through the streets of Cobble Hill, panicking. It dawned on me that in less than 15 hours I would be going out into the streets of Manhattan WITHOUT hiding behind a flyer. Billions of questions were racing through my head. How will we know who to talk to? How do we open the conversation? We can’t just say, “Hello, do you know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?” Or can we? What if I say something stupid?

So I did what any other slightly neurotic born-again believer would do. I practiced talking to an imaginary person. I tried to remember everything that Kirk Cameron said (which shouldn’t have been hard since I heard his message 5 times and read 3 of his books) and told it to my imaginary sinner. It was great! I went through the Ten Commandments, the airplane analogy… I told them about how if you dust your table and then let the light in, you’ll find that it’s still dusty. I sliced through every feasible justification and rationalization that my imaginary sinner threw at me until he was on his knees, begging to receive the mercy of Christ. I was feeling pretty good for a few minutes… so good, in fact, that I thought maybe I could try it on a REAL person! After all, I was on a roll. Unfortunately, when I went into the bodega to buy some soda, I took one look at the scary man behind the counter… and didn’t even stop to count my change before I flew outta there. Back to panicking.

Despite my fears, I knew that I had to go because if I didn’t, I’d stay at home all day calling myself a loser in as many ways as possible. I calmed my fears a little bit by thinking “okay, look. There’s gonna be a lot of people there, so I can just go with somebody who knows what they’re doing. I’ll just kinda ‘shadow’ today… observe how it’s done… and then maybe next time I’ll actually go out there and say a sentence or two.”

Looking back, I am sure that God was shaking His head and chuckling.

As I went towards the church, I started getting more and more nervous and more and more skeptical that it was a good idea for me to go. I knew that sharing the gospel was a huge responsibility, and I wasn’t sure that I was ready for that yet. I stopped into the Atlantic Mall for a few minutes to buy a soda from McDonalds, because I WILL win that Monopoly game if it’s the last thing I do. As I was leaving, I walked past Bath and Body Works and a billboard caught my eye. It was a picture of a little ornament with a bear and some silver stuff on the top. Above the trinket it said “The Perfect Christmas.”

Suddenly, I was hit with a Max Lucado moment (definition: a moment when something insignificant and ordinary suddenly takes on spiritual significance). I found myself staring at the billboard and thinking…. THIS… is the perfect Christmas? This trinket? What about Christ? What about “for unto us a Child is born?” What about the God of the universe humbling Himself to become nothing, and leaving His throne of glory to be born in a pathetic manger? I got so angry at this dumb store and its dumb billboard, until I remembered… “how will they believe in the one of whom they have not heard?” My anger turned to sadness, because I realized that there were so many whose Christmases were no deeper than those worthless trinkets. And many of them had no idea that they were missing everything, and that while they were happily throwing presents into a shopping cart, their eternal souls were inching closer and closer to hell. I remember thinking to myself “you know what… even if you go out there and mess EVERYTHING up, and don’t get anyone to listen to you, and send people running away and get cursed at and rejected and humiliated… at least you spent the day doing something instead of sitting at home with your ‘trinkets.’ At least you got off your rear end and WENT.” My fears remained, but my mind was made up.

When I got to the church, I opened the door to 17 Smith and said “Oops, we must be over at the Learning Center.” There was one girl sitting in a chair and it was already past noon. Someone had mentioned that Najja was across the street at 180, so I started walking towards there and saw him running out. The first thing he said to me was, “Looks like it might just be us two!” All thoughts of bears and trinkets vanished from my mind. Urgency gone. Max Lucado moment flew away. JUST US TWO?!?!? Oh, no. That does NOT fit the plan that I had for today! This will involve SPEAKING!

God probably chuckled some more.

Well, the two became four and we went into the sanctuary. It was a pretty dismal situation we had there… four people sitting on the floor and the lights weren’t even turned on. Najja started to talk and share his testimony of the night before, and the minute he started talking I felt my faith coming back. I couldn’t believe that he chose Romans 10, because it was that same verse that had hit me back at Bath and Body Works. I found myself nodding at everything that was said, and I couldn’t stop thinking about my Max Lucado moment. I finally had to put my hand up and ask if I could share something. I told everyone about what had happened at the Atlantic Mall, and threw out some remark about this being “humble beginnings.” It’s funny when you think that you’re just rambling but God’s using those silly rambling to encourage someone else.

When we left, I have to admit, I was still fighting fear. I just don’t do well in situations where there isn’t a concrete PLAN… and our “plan” was pretty much to just go and talk. Everyone else seemed cool with this, but nothing stops my mind from turning… “okay, but WHO? How will we KNOW? Will God just beam a light down from heaven or will we hear a James Earl Jones-like voice saying ‘THIS IS THE ONE.’?” I was starting to feel squirmy, so I just closed my eyes and prayed as we rode the subway. We got to Washington Square and we started walking a little bit slower… and slower… it was almost funny, but also a little reassuring because I at least felt that I wasn’t the only one who was a bit nervous. I started to pray again, but then I just felt myself (or God) saying “okay, you know what? You already prayed. You’re scared, but courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s going and doing it DESPITE your fear. So now go and do it.” Just then, a man who was playing a game of chess notived us and called us over. I stood there and chatted for a few minutes as he asked us to play the $3 chess game, and everyone started saying “no thanks.” I started thinking “you know what… I know we’re not supposed to gamble but what if we just GAVE him $3 and then promised to play a game if then he would listen to us. Yeah! That’s a good plan!” I came out of my thoughts just to hear one of our team members saying “okay, well, thanks for your time. God bless you.” and everyone started walking away. I thought “… oh. Okay. That works too.”

Then we came to Merrill, who was a homeless man who was sitting near the statue in the park, trying to sell some jewelry that he had made. The team started talking to him. Again, I was just thinking of some way to help and bring the gospel into the conversation, but Merrill seemed to be doing fine on his own. He was quoting Scripture and basically using it to fit his own god and his own sense of spirituality. I was like “okay, Amy. THIS one is for you. You’re good at rationalizing things and explaining things logically. Find the hole in the logic, and say something.” But every time I was going to open my mouth, someone else would say something or Merrill would jump back in.

While we were talking to Merrill, a young woman named Tracy walked over and someone handed her a tract and asked if she knew Jesus. She replied, “uh, no, I’m Jewish.”

Yes! HERE we go. I can do this! Bring up the law of Moses. Tell her about Isaiah 53 and all the prophecies about Christ. Tell her that the Messiah has come! Come onnnn! Oh, wait, let’s not come on too strong. Just… say something casual to continue the conversation.

“Oh, really! Are you from there?”

Tracy looked at me. I blinked. Tracy looked at the team. The team looked at me. Finally, Tracy said “… what?” I repeated, “you know… were you BORN there?” Tracy looked at me with a look that said “I think there’s something wrong with you.” The team jumped in and translated—“she means, were you born in Israel?”

Oops. I had just asked her if she was from “Jewish.” I knew some serious damage control was needed, but fortunately I’ve had lots of experience saying foolish things. I quipped that my team only lets me out of my cage every once in a while, and made some other remark about being a little slow. Everyone laughed, Tracy relaxed and the conversation continued. I, however, had just disqualified myself.

“You idiot,” I thought. “The one time you open your mouth and you say something foolish and almost blow it for everyone else. Why are you even here? You haven’t done or said anything this whole time. God’s doing great things, yes, but you’re just taking up space.”

After we finished talking to Andre, it was even worse. Andre was a man who had recently gotten out of prison, and looked like he might have been high or on some kind of drug. He was very street-wise, and I found myself wishing for a translator. Najja, of course, was speaking back to him quite easily, and Andre was really responding. I was just listening to this person tell about all of the horrible things that have happened to him and Najja was really just earnestly telling him about Jesus, but I felt completely useless once again. And, to my shame, I allowed Satan to just infiltrate my mind and just spiral me further and further down. The team finished up and prayed for Andre, and he looked so grateful to everyone. I told the team that I was going to meet them in ten minutes, and walked away.

I was talking to God as I went along, saying “why am I so unusable? I’m willing, and I’m here, but I open my mouth and stupidity comes out. I’m thankful that You are doing such amazing things and You get all the glory… but… is it wrong that I want to be a part of it? Is it wrong that I want to be able to help, too, instead of just stand there and do nothing? If you can fill everyone else’s mouths with the right words, why can’t You fill mine?” I tried to comfort myself by remembering that it wasn’t ABOUT me… but I wasn’t upset because I wasn’t getting glory. I was upset because I felt dumb and useless to the God that I wanted to serve with all of my heart.

And then suddenly, I remembered the words that had come out of my own mouth earlier in the day: “you know what… even if you go out there and mess EVERYTHING up, and don’t get anyone to listen to you, and send people running away and get cursed at and rejected and humiliated… at least you spent the day doing something instead of sitting at home with your ‘trinkets.’ At least you got off your rear end and WENT.” And I thought… wow… I have messed some stuff up, and I didn’t get anyone to listen to me, and I almost sent poor Tracy running away, and we were cursed at AND rejected AND I was humiliated… but I’m here. I’m doing the work of the Lord. What am I gonna do—go home? To what? My trinkets? No way. So I went back.

A lot more happened that day, and I was able to speak to a few people (and the team later reminded me that I did more than I thought I did that day)… but that’s not really the point of my testimony. The point of my testimony is that it’s not about the results. It’s not about saying something stupid, it’s about going and doing it even though you know that you might say something stupid. It’s about having a testimony that isn’t perfect and shiny, but having a testimony nonetheless. It’s about messing up, and still seeing God in it, and still being willing to do it again because that’s what I’m called to. So even though I still battle with discouragement and even though all of the loose ends aren’t tied up nice and pretty… I thank God for giving me the grace to be in the race, even if I did trip a few times. The results are in His hands, not mine.