The Slam Heard Round The World (March 2002)

hello all.

many of you may remember my last installment of Amy's Great Adventures, where the headline might have been "Alto Gets Decked in the Face With Cross Before Gospel Choir Concert." if you missed it, please let me know so that i can bring you up to date on my latest acts of physical klutzdom. that being said, allow me to entertain you once again with my amazing ability to thrust myself into situations that cause me physical pain in bizarre ways.

Episode 14: The Slam Heard Round The World
(editor's note: episode numbers are COMPLETELY arbitrary and mean nothing.)

you know how, sometimes, you get out of a car and go to shut the door and find 10,000 watts of electricity searing through your body? okay, maybe not 10,000 watts, but i think we all know how annoying the "car door shock" is to unsuspecting drivers and passengers. i hate it. for those who are still confused, it's the same phenomenon that occurs when your "friends" used to scuff their socks on the carpet and then come up and touch you. unacceptable in every way.

so last night i arrived at stop & shop up in good ol' hyde park, ny (motto: We Have More Historical Sites Than Traffic Lights!) to pick up some essentials. i proceeded to get out of the car and make a move to shut the door behind me. before i could actually touch the door, however, warning bells went off in my head, saying "DON'T TOUCH THAT DOOR! YOU'LL GET SHOCKED AND JUMP MANY FEET UP IN THE AIR, AND PEOPLE IN THE PARKING LOT WILL STARE AND LAUGH AT YOU!" thank goodness for those bells. i certainly didn't want anyone to laugh at my physical misfortune.

i heeded my warning bells and decided on Plan B. which was, of course, to shut the door by grabbing onto the INSIDE door handle and yanking with all my might. i'll give you a moment to process that.

some of you might be sitting here, thinking, "anyone with an I.Q. higher than cheese would realize this is a horrific idea. i mean, you're just ASKING to get your finger/hand/arm slammed in the door!" and to that i reply, "HA! i did nothing of the sort! i slammed my FACE in the door."

yes, that's right. while i managed to get my upper appendages out of the way, i conveniently forgot to remove my face. and therefore managed to slam the car door, full force, into the side of my head. the good news is that the entire left side of my face was numb for about a minute, so i had a little bit of time to make sense of what had just happened before the pain set in. once the pain set in, i thought it might be a good idea to check the situation out, so i proceeded to reach back with my hand and make sure my face was intact. indeed it was, but my hand came back to me (apologies to the squeamish) covered in blood.

PANIC TIME!!! i'm actually a pretty good panicker-- i manage to keep it together for the most part during possible emergency situations. the only problem is that i often act on the first urge that hits me. for example, upon realizing that there was blood coming from somewhere on the left side of my face, i thought, "okay! i need something to put on the wound! a towel or something!" *looks frantically for something to use* "i know! i'll use my shirt!" *begins to remove shirt... realizes there is nothing on underneath shirt*

fortunately, i had just enough common sense to remember that i really didn't want to flash the parking lot, and kept the shirt on... though i was inches away from violating most of the cars in the parking lot. i finally found some napkins in the bottom of the car and stuck them on my head. i tried to situate myself in the car so that i could see my head in the rearview mirror, but the light wasn't good enough so i couldn't really see what had happened. i then decided that i needed to quickly drive home, still holding the wad of paper towels up to my head, and reassess the situation. i got in the car and began driving out of the parking lot. halfway across, i checked the paper towels and realized that there was a LOT less blood than when i started. i checked with another one-- even less. so i decided to go back to the parking lot instead of driving home in a panic. after parking back in my spot, i tried again to check with the rearview mirror and the side mirror and couldn't really tell what was going on, but the bleeding had basically stopped. i felt okay... not at all dizzy... and i really needed to buy contact lens solution. so i kept a napkin close at hand, put my hood up, and proceeded into stop & shop.

now. remember that my reasoning for not wanting to get shocked was to avoid public embarrassment. upon coming out of the store, i realized that there was a woman sitting in the car next to mine who had been watching the whole ordeal. so first she saw me slam my car door into the side of my face and then proceed to begin to rip off my shirt. then she saw me dive into the car and stick napkins to the side of my head, and then start sticking my face up to the rearview mirror. next she saw me peel out of the parking lot, only to return about 30 seconds later. then she saw me stick my face up to the mirror once again before getting out of the car and kneeling on the pavement while sticking my ear up next to the side mirror. finally, she saw me put my hood up (it was about 65 degrees with not a cloud in the sky) and walk into stop & shop. and i wonder why people wonder about me sometimes.

after getting home and assessing the situation, i found that the only damage was a small but somewhat deep cut on the back of my left ear. i have NO idea how such a small cut could produce that much blood, but everybody says head wounds bleed like nobody's business. i don't ask questions. i proceeded to tell the story to my mother, whose response was "there's a first aid kit in the glove compartment. did you remember to pick up the ice cream cake for tomorrow?"

my mother, ladies and gentlemen.

moral of the story? i don't know. probably something like "don't slam your head in a car door." and if you do, wear an undershirt.