Laundry Is My Kryptonite

I KNEW it! I knew it would happen! I just had a feeling that if I got this other blog [stillonthewheel] off the ground, somehow it would leak over into FTM and another post would soon come. And that's exactly what happened!

I'll skip the grand entrance and cut right to the chase, lest I get distracted and another three years of silence takes place before the next FTM writing comes out...

One of my favorite AGA-related moments came a few years ago, when my good friend and co-worker Dave Hunter witness me fall out of a restaurant onto the sidewalk of Smith Street in downtown Brooklyn. We'd been friends for a while and he'd heard his fair share of Amy stories [in fact, he played a major role in Episode XXIII: My Kingdom for a Speakon Barrel]. But after this particular incident, he stood up in front of all of BT KIDS on Sunday and said the following unforgettable words:

"IT'S REAL, Y'ALL!!"

Yes... his ears has HEARD of Amy's Great Adventures, but now his eyes had SEEN, and he became a believer. A believer that it actually is possible to have this many ridiculousandcrazythings just HAPPEN to one particular person.

But, you might think - how often do those things really happen? Well, let's just take the past seven days for example. In that time, I managed to:

1) Attempt to enter my house quietly as my roommates were sleeping... and in the process trip over absolutely nothing, causing me to fall backwards against the door of my room which then swung back against my wall with a thundering crash, knocking over some unknown item which fell directly into the "ON" button of my hair dryer which began blowing with a ferocity that I've never before seen on an appliance.

2) Almost fall completely out of a subway car because my brain had temporarily lost the ability to function... and despite the fact that I could CLEARLY see that the opposing side doors were firmly closed [and therefore the doors behind me must be the ones that were opening], I leaned backwards to rest on the [open] subway doors. Thankfully, my traveling companion was still operating with normal brain-cell capacity and caught me before I tumbled right out of the car and landed on my hand and/or laptop bag [not sure which would have been worse].

3) Make an absolute spectacle of myself in downtown Brooklyn one cold, rainy morning when my umbrella decided not just to invert, but to actually unhinge the umbrella fabric from the frame and start blowing down Fulton Street. I absolutely refused to run after it [amazing how tightly we cling to the last modicum of dignity even when we're pretty much scraping the bottom of the Pride Barrel] so I calmly walked about 3/4 of a block before catching up to my unhinged umbrella fabric [see Image 1.1 and 1.2].

Image 1.1

Image 1.2

I promise you I'm not making these things up.  And it's always common, ordinary objects that end up being my demise: umbrellas, hair dryers, subway doors, etc.  And in pondering all of these things, I realize that I've never blogged about my #1 nemesis... the thing that has felled me more frequently than any other normal, everyday occurence...

The Laundromat.

I'm not one of those people who has dreams of grandeur when it comes to my future house - I don't dream of walk-in closets and bay windows and all that other stuff that people seem to want in their homes.  But if I could have a home with a washer/dryer [okay, and a dishwasher], I could die happy.  The kitchen could be the size of a thimble, but as long as I can wash and dry my clothes without going outside, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

My laundromat is only a few blocks away, so I really shouldn't complain.  But it just seems that every time I go there, chaos ensues.  Like the time that I put my clothes in the washer, went back to transfer them to the dryer, and then somehow completely forgot that I was doing laundry for six hours until 11:15 PM that evening when the laundromat was already closed.

Or how about the time when I put my clothes in the dryer, put in 70 minutes worth of quarters [it was a big load], pushed start, left, came back an hour later to find my clothes perfectly still, sopping wet... and the empty dryer NEXT to mine whirring joyfully, having been drying NOTHING for the past 62 minutes.  How I managed to put the quarters in the wrong machine and START the wrong machine without noticing that something's amiss baffles me.

But none compares to... 

AMY'S GREAT ADVENTURES, EPISODE XXVII: The Lady and the Laundromat

It was a normal, everyday Monday morning in upper Park Slope, Brooklyn.  I had a day off and was leisurely taking a trip down to the laundromat - being fairly certain that it would be empty at noontime on a Monday, and I was correct.  The only other person there was a middle-aged woman who looked incredibly harried as she was in the process of transferring her laundry from various washers into various dryers.  I remembered being silently grateful for the leisurely-ness of my morning and that I didn't have to get sucked up into haste and agitation.

As she flustered about, I began to put my own clothes into various washers - trying to calculate what combination of big/small machines I could use to spend the least amount of money possible.  I made my choices, loaded up my machines with quarters and detergent, and then got ready to begin the washing process.  I would always wait and put the quarters in all of the different machines first before I hit START so that one load wouldn't finish before the other [weird, I know].  So my machines were prepped, and I confidently hit START on all three of them.  And then two things happened at once.

On my way out, out of the corner of my eye I saw one of my bright red t-shirts still in one of the washing machines that wasn't moving.  I became confused, because I knew that I had started all three machines.  And then, at the same time, I saw the harried woman come over to the washing machines to get her last load of clothes out... and I saw her stop and look at the machine in horror.

Apparently, I had AGAIN put my quarters in the wrong machine, and I had just started to re-wash her already-washed clothes.

For a brief moment, I seriously thought she was going to belt me in the mouth.  But instead, she just gave me a verbal tongue-lashing that still brings me to shudder.  And the worst part was, there was nothing I could do about it!  Once the machine starts, you can't stop it until the cycle is complete [it was a jacked up laundromat, I know].  And what possible explanation could I give for how I put quarters in the wrong MACHINE... and STARTED it?  I just kept saying, "I'm..... sorry.  I'm sorry!  Oh man, I'm sorry..." over and over again.  Apparently she had rushed to the laundromat from work to wash her clothes and she had to go back - she didn't have time to wait for another wash cycle.

I honestly don't even remember how we resolved the situation - I think I took her cell phone and called her when her clothes were done so that she could run back from work to finish them.  Needless to say, I felt like seven kinds of idiot.

Moral of the story: .... I don't know.  Don't be me, I guess.  Buy a home with a built in washer/dryer.  Or at least try to reserve a couple of functional brain cells before you walk to the Laundromat.

Until next time, we are...

Fooling Things Ministries: Confounding Wisdom and Common Sense in a Neighborhood Near You!

Philippines November 2007 FLASHBACKS!!!

Hey everyone!

So if you're thinking about joining us on the transitions 2010 missions trip to the Philippines... get ready for a SLEW of memories, ridiculous quotes and team bonding like never before! As official Trip Logger, I plan to get it allllll down on paper so that we can laugh about it for years to come afterwards [just like our 2007 team is still doing!!]. I know some of these are completely out of context - ask if you must, but I think most of them are pretty funny just as is. This isn't even half of it, but it's a taste!

amy:)

QUOTES:
"Two chickens, because a chicken can't fertilize itself." - Saara, when asked "which came first, the chicken or the egg"
"Yup, it's a wrap!" - Bethany, after Ate Kristi said "masarap" [tasty in Tagalog]
"I have never in my life come into a house of God smelling this nasty." - Amy, during prayer meeting at PCAT
"Is that watermelon?" - Kendy, referring to a PAPAYA
"Come to our crusade as we wreck your car!!" - Unknown, yelled from the van after we accidentally smashed someone's rearview while doing the flier distribution the day of the crusade
"You have to tell Jesus what He has done for you." - Brother Alland getting a little tongue-tied during a sermon
"If we could stop crime, we would have a happy world where we could live together ever happily." -Brother Alland during street evangelism meeting
"Because these are crayons and those are markers." - Kendy's response to the questions of "Why are you separating the crayons from the markers?"
"Are you two sisters?" - Random person from the Philippines to Kimeka and Bethany in the mall [yes, that’s right. KIMEKA and BETHANY]
"There's nothing Jolly about it." - Bethany, referring to Jollibee chicken [Jollibee is the Filipino equivalent of McDonald’s]


MEMORIES:
*Kendy being confused at EVERY pre-trip meeting no matter what was said, even if it was something as simple as "bring a suitcase"
*Brother Alland snoring in the van on the way to Pila from the airport, and Bethany thinking it was the driver
*Nicole waking up at 2:38 AM and going outside to make them stop playing music at the most elaborate Sweet 16 party we've ever seen that was taking place in the hotel where we were staying
*The whole team’s confusion over whether the small yellow squares were cheese slices or butter
*Singing praise and worship @ the joint worship service and noticing an ENORMOUS PIG'S HEAD sitting on the table, staring at us
*Angela not wanting to have praise and worship rehearsal because she had to go take a shower... but she wasn't on the praise and worship team
*Bethany "saving Amy's life" in the van by reaching her arm across Amy when the van came to a "hard stop"
*Nicole getting bitten/stung by a dead crab
*Nicole and Amy smelling "barbeque" which turned out to be a huge pile of trash
*the brother at the prison being SO LOUD while Bro Alland was preaching and we were in the back room after the skit... he brought in a chair for us and loudly announced "CHAIR!!!!" as it echoed through the entire prison
*Kendy being a complete wuss during the rehearsals of the Everything Skit, and then literally putting claw marks in Amy's skin during the actual performances and literally throwing her Superman-style across the stage
*Kendy collapsing on TOP of Bethany at the end of the Everything Skit, and Bethany "rising from the dead" to move Kendy's arm off of her
*Kimeka always coming back from "doing her homework" right at the moment when all the work is finished
*Kimeka knocking on Niyah's door for AM devotions and Niyah staying asleep, then Kimeka coming back to knock again ten minutes later and Niyah pretending like she'd been up the whole time ("yeah, i'm just grabbing my shoes")
*Roosters crow at ALL HOURSE in the Philippines, not just in the morning
*Pastor Alland asking the NYC people to stand up and EVERYONE standing up cause Pastor Ed hadn't translated yet
*the first goat ever to get saved in the history of evangelism @ the street crusade - he came RIGHT up to the front of the stage the minute the invitation was given, bleating profusely
*one of our team members unknowingly making a sacrifice to an idol because he thought you were supposed to put money in it to pay for the candy he was buying... and then actually taking the money BACK when he found out what it really was

SPECIAL AWARDS
*KENDY - for being able to fall asleep anytime, anywhere; also for filling any gap of silence more than two second long with some kind of song
*NICOLE - for not retaliating after Kimeka strangled her for eating some of her halo-halo [Filipino dessert]
*BETHANY - for the most creative prayer on the trip, asking God to do "special stuff"
*NIYAH - for thinking that a sugar packet was ketchup