Putting My Best Foot Forward

Today's scheduled program, entitled "Reject Demons and Ram Rights" has been postponed due to a recent must-tell bout of senselessness and irony. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you, and we promise that "Reject Demons and Ram Rights" will air sometime this week. -FTM Staff
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Six months ago, FTM celebrated its 25th anniversary. That's 25 years that I've spent getting myself into situations that no other living, breathing humanoid would ever find themselves in.

So why is it, pray tell, that I'm still surprised when these things happen? YOU all are not surprised. In fact, when I tell you that another AGA moment has occurred, you usually just smile and nod and think that all is right with the world, and move along. You say such things as:

• *checks watch* "Well, it HAS been over 24 hours..."
• "Great!! Can't wait for the post..."
• "ah, so THAT would explain why you're dripping wet."

These remarks, of course, come from seasoned saints who are well-schooled in the workings of FTM and know alllllllllll about irony of fate. Well, whether you're a seasoned saint or a newbie, check this one out...

Amy's Great Adventures, Episode XXVIII: Putting My Best Foot Forward

Monday, March 27th, 2006.

Allow me to set the scene for you. I'm cruising in Min, on my way to Jersey, and--

Totally Unnecessary Tangent #1: Okay, after reading those first 18 words, anyone with the IQ of a breadstick has already accepted the fact that an AGA incident will take place. I don't think anyone has ever driven to Jersey without having some kind of incident take place. With apologies to those who live/work/care about New Jersey, and with all due respect given to the Embroidery Capital of the World (not making that up)... New Jersey is the armpit of the northeast. I cannot STAND it. It is federal law that any driver who, under the influence of some obvious mental deficiency, chooses to drive past the state boundary must IMMEDIATELY get lost. It is also the only place, to my knowledge, that can smell worse than Manhattan Garbage Pick-Up Day in 90 Degree Heat. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

-- it was a beautiful day. I had volunteered myself (and Min) to help transport some BT staff members to the Jersey Gardens mall to pick up some items, and I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing time of looking longingly at all of the items that I would WANT to buy if I had any money.

We found the mall without incident, and went inside. I immediately noticed a Skechers store and then looked down at my feet, and thought "I REALLY need new sneakers." You know it's time to get new sneakers when a) you can see any part of any one of your toes and b) the sneaker has turned at least two hues lighter or darker on the color palette than the original. My sneakers had both, but my wallet was laughing at me so i moved along.

During the middle of the day, I realized that I needed to get to a drugstore to make a purchase. I couldn't find any in the directory, but the lady at the "Information" booth had directions to a Walgreens which was about 2 miles down the road. I took the directions, professionally printed out from MapQuest, called my friends to let them know that I was going to take a brief detour with Min and be back soon.

Totally Unnecessary Tangent #2: I'm noticing more and more how calm things always seem before the chaos sets in. I take care of everything that I need to take care of... things seem like they are rolling along smoothly... and then BAM!! I guess God must think it makes for a better story that way. Aaaaand we're back...

So I got out my MapQuest directions, made sure I was starting in the right direction on the right road, and set off. I even plugged in my IPod, Po, with my nifty little contraption that hooks up through the cigarette lighter in my car so that I can listen to my IPod on the road. I was cruisin. But somehow... perhaps distracted by checking the speedometer or glancing in my rearview mirrors or engaging in some other totally inappropriate action while driving, such as blinking... I ended up on a major highway. I have no idea how this happened. In fact, according to the six different maps that I ended up using during Part I of this adventure, there were no major highways near where I was. However, I was not thinking according to Amy's Law.

Amy's Law: If, in the course of human events, we the people decide to form a more perfect idea that could go wrong, there is an equal and opposite reaction that requires an object in motion to remain in motion until it is acted on by a force, unless that force is losing one's keys, which will always be found in the last place you look, except if that place happens to be in the bottom of a cosmetics bags.

So! Clearly, it can be seen that according to Amy's Law, one does not necessarily need to be located NEAR a highway in order to suddenly find oneself on it. And that is precisely what happened to me. But I did not panic. I simply relied on a time-tested, tried-and-true strategy for what to do when you find yourself on a nonexistent major highway: Take your very first exit, which, according to Amy's Law, will immediately place you on an even majorer highway. I followed this effective strategy for about 15 minutes, exiting onto highway after highway, until I finally decided to opt for Plan B, which was to pull over and look at a map. Always prepared, I had six maps in my car that contained parts of New Jersey. After carefully examining each map, I came to the foregone conclusion that none of those six maps contained the part that I was in. So I went to Plan C, which was to figure out which direction I think I should be going in, and then just do whatever I could to keep driving in that direction until I found someplace that I recognized.

Believe it or not... it worked! I kept driving in one general direction and suddenly I got to a spot where I could see Jersey Gardens! The only problem was that it was on the opposite side of a large body of water. Not a problem-- at least I can see where I need to go. I let out a deep breath and relaxed for just a moment. And in that moment, I nearly ran over a large Hispanic man who was standing in the middle of the street.

See, I was so focused on where I needed to go that I wasn't really paying attention to where I was. And where I was was in a place that vaguely resembled that area in Brooklyn by 2nd avenue where all of those docks are... (if you're an AGA veteran, this was DEFINITELY a double black diamond neighborhood). I realized that I needed to get out of here Right Away, so I tried to look as menacing as possible while performing an 11-point turn to get Min facing the right direction. In the chaos, I inadvertently turned on the windshield wipers and activated my turn signal. *shaking head* It's really a wonder that I survived Poughkeepsie, let alone Brooklyn.

So finally, I ended up getting back into a less frightening area, and asked someone for directions to get back to Jersey Gardens. The woman was very nice and I ended up following her to get back, so there were no more problems. I called my friends and let them know that I was back, and they said that they would be just a little bit longer, so I ended up walking back into the mall, past the Skechers store.

At this point, my feet were KILLING me. I had been walking/driving all day, and my back was starting to hurt. I knew that part of that was from the fact that my sneakers were in desperate need of replacement. There was a large SALE sign in the store window, so I thought I would take a peek. I ended up finding the EXACT sneakers that I wanted-- these black low-tops that I had before this current pair. I looked for my size-- score! They had it.

TUT #3: I don't even bother shopping for women's sneakers anymore. I just save myself the pain and go to the men's section. NOBODY carries size 11 WIDE. I have boats attached to my ankles. I could water ski skiless.

I immediately took out the shoes and put on one of the sneakers, just to check the size. I already knew that I liked the sneaker because I had worn it before. As I was doing this, I noticed that the sign that advertised the sale said "buy 1, get one half off." So I looked for another pair of casual sneaker/shoes (since I didn't have any of those either) and found a nice brown pair that I was interested in. I tried them on and they felt fine, and right at that moment my friends called and said they were going to the car and to meet them in 5 minutes. I hurriedly gathered up my purchases, slapped my credit card on the table with miminal guilt (I really did need the sneakers) and walked out of the store in 3 minutes flat.

I had rehearsal for "Story of Love" that night, and I decided that I would use that rehearsal to break in my new black sneakers. I got them out of the trunk and brought the box into the front seat and took off my old sneaks. I was only sort of half-paying attention to what I was doing, because I was checking the time to make sure I wasn't late, and making sure I didn't lock my keys in the car *ahem*, so it didn't surprise me that I put the shoe on the wrong foot.

"Hee hee," I thought, and absent-mindedly reached for the other shoe. By this point, I was rummaging around the car to make sure I hadn't left anything, while shoving my foot into the sneaker. Something STILL felt wrong... what is UP with this sneaker?? I looked down and the sneaker was still on the wrong foot. I rolled my eyes in exasperation-- how hard is it to put on a shoe?

Apparently very hard, if both sneakers were right ones.

Yes, that's right. Two right sneakers.

Now I would have caught this problem if I had chosen to try on the LEFT sneaker in the store. I also would have caught the problem if I hadn't left the store so quickly. There were about 6 different boxes that had my size, and I actually went for another box first, but put it back because the other box was "nicer." And in order for me to RETURN the sneakers... I would have to go back to Jersey. Unbelievable. Yet, on the other hand, completely believable. Why?

Because we are....

Foolish Things Ministries:

Confounding Wisdom and Common Sense in a Neighborhood Near You!

Thanks, BRIAN.

So, if you missed the excitement, last night at Transitions, Brian had a Great Idea. It began with the innocuous words, "Amy, could you stand up for a minute?"

I said, "No."

Well, actually, I said, "*looks around*... me?," which was extremely intelligent considering he had just said my name and was staring at me. But I almost said, "No."

Why, you may ask? Because I had NO IDEA what Brian was about to say. And all I could do was slowly stand up, give a little wave, and think OH MY GOODNESS WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT WOULD MAKE BRIAN ASK ME TO STAND???? Master's degree? No, that was last summer. Birthday? Not even close. Oh my goodness... what if he tells some embarrasing story about me? I don't want people knowing if I do stupid things!

*badoom crash*

Brian continued, taking his time with each syllable, "Amy has just recently--"

WHAT HAS AMY RECENTLY DONE???
Graduated? No.
Moved? No.
Had a baby? Only one virgin birth.
Gotten married? Probably would have remembered that.

And if you're thinking "there's no way you could have thought all of that in the time it took for Brian to say one sentence," then you have never entered into the depths of my mind, which is a blessing that you should treasure with all of your heart.

--started a website blah blah blah blah."

To which I gave the sophisticated and eloquent response, "NO... WAY."

By the end of the torture, I had introduced FTM (Foolish Things Ministries) and given out this website. I then realized that newcomers would be completely clueless as to what in the world was going on here, and therefore would fit right in with the staff here at FTM.

No, seriously, I didn't want people to be confused-- that's not part of our mission statement. So please note the following announcements and stay tuned for the next post, which will be called "Reject Demons and Ram Rights" and will kick off the A-musings series at FTM.

• If you are new to FTM, please read the post entitled "If You're New..." It can be found under the section called "Previous" on the right hand side of the post.
• We now have an e-mail address that you can write to at any time with suggestions, questions, comments, complaints, criticisms and compliments. Nice and simple: foolishthingsministries@gmail.com.
• If you would like to leave a comment on any post, PLEASE don't post as anonymous. If you click on the option that says "other," you can just leave your name and just ignore the part that says "website," unless you want to enter one.
• All archived AGA (Amy's Great Adventures) episodes are now online! If you'd like to read any previous episodes, just click on the link under "Archives" that goes with the date of the episode. Each month listed has a new episode and there are 10 of them! :)

Intro, yo.

Welcome, friends, to Foolish Things Ministries!

If you are a long-standing partner with FTM, you are already aware of our reputation for being a top-notch provider of high-quality hijinks. If you're new, we welcome you to the team and encourage you to have absolutely no expectations whatsoever. That way, we'll probably exceed them.

I just recently gained full custody of Min (my 1997 Chevy Lumina), who has been driven and crashed by more of my friends than any other car that I am aware of *applause*. However, despite having been a licensed driver for almost ten years... it seems as though I might need a refresher course on the basics.

yeah, okay, so this isn't Min. but it's a REALLY cool picture.

I had just frantically pulled up in front of 202 Flatbush last Saturday morning. I did not want to be late for drama rehearsal, but my contact lenses were threatening to become part of my eye if I did not assuage them with some eye drops... so I left my compatriot (shout out to PJC) watching the car while I dashed upstairs. I grabbed what I needed and flew back out the door, nearly tripping on a huge garbage bag on the landing, and jumped back into Min. I looked behind me, put the car in reverse, and lighly tapped on the gas.

Something was wrong!! Min was not responding!! Code blue! The car began slowly rolling backwards down Flatbush Avenue. I tried slamming on the brakes but it was like they were stuck in molasses. I'm in full Panic Mode at this point, trying again to shift back into neutral, or into drive. I had both feet pressed as hard as I could against the brake and Min finally stopped. I frenetically rolled down my window and screamed out to my friend, who had just crossed the street, "HELP!! MIN IS UNCONSCIOUS!!"

He walked over, shook his head, and said, "Turn the car on, Amy."

Oh yeah. Oops.

If You're New...

Welcome to FTM! If you're joining us for the first time, let me just take a moment to explain to you what in the world is going on here.

FTM (Foolish Things Ministries) was birthed on a blustery September day twenty-five years ago, when I came into this world. Since that moment, I have been blessed with a unique ability to get myself into unbelievable situations that would never happen to anyone else. My job, as president and founder of FTM, is to write them down and share them with the world so that they can laugh. That's why our motto is "Our Embarrasment Is Your Entertainment."

FTM began with a series called Amy's Great Adventures (AGA) back in the year 2001. You can find all of the old AGA episodes in the archives, so that you can catch up on all of the episodes you've missed. We have just recently developed a segment called A-musings, which is basically just a smorgasbord of really random thoughts. We were going to called Things That We Think When We're Supposed To Be Doing Something Else, but we thought it was too long. So A-musings it is.

We at FTM LOVE to hear from our readers, so if you read a post, please feel free to leave a comment (just click on "comments") or drop us an email at foolishthingsministries@gmail.com.