Of Mice (and Roaches) And Men

I had no idea that roaches could tell time.

I can't say I'm surprised, of course. As in my recent epiphany about mailer-daemons (mailer-daemi?), I'm well aware of the organizational capabilities of the powers of darkness. I'm just saying that I much preferred dwelling in blissful ignorance.

Here at 202 Flatbush, we have a resident roach named Stan. He works alone, fortunately, and seems to reside only in our bathroom... and none of my roommates have seen him for weeks now. I, on the other hand, have seen him three times this week alone. Normally I would consider the possibility that Stan was a figment of my imagination, or part of a very vivid dream. However, the last time that I saw him the door jamb got in the way of my rapidly flailing limbs and left me with a very tangible piece of evidence to the contrary (in the form of a colorful bruise on my left forearm). Upon further investigation, I realized that the reason why my roommates have probably not encountered Stan recently is that I've only seen him between midnight and 1:00 am, when my roommates are asleep. Why is it that Stan chooses to manifest only between these hours? I can't imagine. Frankly, I'd rather not imagine. All I know is that in the nanoseconds between making visual contact with Stan and creating an Amy-shaped hole in the bathroom door... I can see the plotting in his roachy eyes.

Do roaches have eyes? *pause for thought*

Even if they didn't, and the alleged "plotting" that I saw in Stan's eyes was actually a well-placed speck of dirt, that does NOT dissuade me from believing that these midnight appearances are more than mere coincidence. Stan is not the only Creature of Darkness that has invaded our domain-- several months ago there was Norm and Babycakes and several of their minions.

What NOT To Say When A Friend Text Messages You, Panic-Stricken, Because A Mouse Has Just Run Out of Her Closet at Midnight And She Tells You She Is Standing On Her Bed Armed With Only a Flashlight

(these were actual responses given)

• Just pray him out.
• Well, coax him into a corner and catch him. Do you have any Tupperware?
• HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I do love my friends dearly, but there was some serious ball droppage here.

Regardless, there was a very obvious pattern of calculation in Norm's maneuvers from the very beginning. There was "Just Disgust" (appearing for the first time on TOP of our kitchen counter), "Element of Surprise" (sending two cronies to get caught in a glue trap and somehow sliding said trap so that it would be within inches of Amy's feet when she sat down at the computer) and, of course, "The Decoy" (allowing a compadre with similar coloring to get caught, making us think that the nightmare was over). "The Decoy" failed miserably however... Norm was a dark-skinned rodent, and his poorly chosen decoy was clearly mulatto.

Even though that particular tactic failed, the war waged on for weeks and caused irreperable psychological damage. I could just see Norm sitting at his Mac somewhere behind the walls of our living room, receiving updates from Personnel and checking his Human Distress Meter before a debriefing with the infantry.

See, this is just one more reason why I believe that there are some creatures that fall outside of God's original plan for the earth. Think about other creatures that might end up inside an apartment. Take flies, for example. What do they do when they find themselves indoors? Either head immediately for the nearest lamp and scald themselves to death, or attempt to fly out a closed window over and over again until they knock themselves unconscious (or are helped along by a flyswatter or, depending on the patience level of the homeowner, an unabridged dictionary). CLEARLY no intelligence is involved here. But roaches? Rodents? They bide their time... wait for the proper moment... and then strike. They must be receiving their orders from SOMEwhere.

Which is why I believe that, rather than having been created by God on the sixth day of creation like all of the nice creatures such as bunnies and panda bears... some creatures came about as a direct result of the fall of man. Seriously, can you imagine Adam and Eve fellowshipping with, say, a louse? No, no, no. It must have been that, just like death, certain things came about as a result of sin.

Adam: *crunching* Mmm, great idea, Eve. This apple tastes GREAT!

Eve: See, if you'd just LISTEN to me once in a while, you'd AAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEE!!! WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS THING???

Adam: Hey, I thought you liked it when I wore my hair this way.

Eve: Not YOU-- THAT!!! It's hideous! Whoa, and it's FAST! *jumps up on tree stump* KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!

Adam: Sorry, the first murder of the Bible is reserved for our son.

Eve: What's the Bible?

I know, I know. It might be a bit theologically unsound. But come on, people... if any creature can embody sin, it would be a roach or a rat. Unfortunately for Adam and Eve, the Rat Zapper (www.ratzapper.com) was not invented until 1994. I'll spare you the details but let's just say that Norm's minions have returned to their maker... whoever it may be.

Or it could be that I live in New York City, whose official population would quadruple if roaches and rats were included in the census, and that I should stop whining and pray those rodents out of my apartment. Well, if THAT be true... then how do you explain THIS???

Amy's Great Adventurette XXXVII: Norm's Revenge

After a long day of helping Zakiya and Jeff move out of their apartment, I was trudging back up the stairs after bringing down another armful of goods to be loaded into the van. I stopped to chat with Z for a few minutes, making sure that all was well with the last bit of packing, and I even managed to avoid tripping over the doorway that had bested me seven other times that day. Feeling somewhat proud of myself for that small accomplishment, I grabbed a couple of garbage bags and started to make my way down the stairs... when I felt a strange sensation on my right foot. It felt like I was dragging something on my sneaker. Perhaps a stray paper towel, or a plastic bag? Right before I looked down, I remembered thinking "it almost feels.. sticky."

There, stuck firmly to my right sneaker... was a glue trap.

".... um .... Zakiya ....?"

Zakiya walked out of the kitchen, took one look at the situation at hand, and said, "This is N.G. Not Good."

No, seriously, Zakiya handled the situation extremely well and managed to come rather quickly to my aid, despite laughing uproariously. I would like to take this opportunity to commend CatchMaster, Inc. for the fine quality of their product, because it was nearly impossible to get that thing off of my shoe. After a great deal of straining and the strategic use of a paper towel, I was free. I tested a couple of steps and it felt like I had just stepped in gum. I smiled bravely and thanked Zakiya for her help as she threw out the offending trap and then made it almost to the refrigerator before succumbing to another bout of laughter.

It was funny, though, because as I started toward the steps again, it was my LEFT foot that started feeling sticky. I mean, I've heard of phantom pains but that's a little excessive. Just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind, I looked down at my other sneaker.

".... um.... Zakiya ....?

By this point, I thought that poor Zakiya was going to die. I don't know how she even made it back out to the hallway to help me scrape off YET ANOTHER glue trap. And, in case you haven't assumed this already, yes, these ARE the same sneakers that were featured in "Putting My Best Foot Forward."

Now tell me that this wasn't an OBVIOUS revenge attempt by the sin-spawned vermin whose comrades succumbed to my Rat Zapper. I'm sure that Norm enjoyed every moment as he watched via video conferencing before powering down his iBook for the evening.

Well, it's almost midnight, so I might as well go check on Stan. Babycakes, incidentally, was the name of the perp that came out of my closet that fateful evening. I knew that HE wasn't Norm because Babycakes was white and only half Norm's size. At least Norm is an equal opportunity employer.

A-Musings II: Gotta Go To God's

Please don't misunderstand. The fact that I've posted A-Musings for two straight weeks does NOT mean that I haven't done anything foolhardy in two weeks. Au contraire (French for 'whatev'). In fact, here's just a smattering of oopses that I've accomplished since the shoe incident:

• Locking my keys in the car ONCE AGAIN while taking a friend to the doctor's office.
• Waking up one morning to find five insect bites on myself in the shape of the Big Dipper (sort of like crop circles... but not.)
• Walking around my neighborhood for 15 minutes because I couldn't remember where my car was.
• Arriving home at 5:30 am after the Transitions All-Night Prayer Meeting and realizing that my house keys were sitting upstairs on my bed.

So don't worry. Things are just as they should be in Amyville. In fact, there was a perfect AGA incident that occured on Friday, but the circumstances must remain classified until next month.

So while you wait.... let's muse over some A-Musings.

******

My spiritual gift is E.

While you're chewing on that, I'll give a quick shout out to Nana, who has re-claimed her life after spending 25 hours per day studying for her MCAT... and also because she is the ONLY person who posted a comment after reading "Reject Demons and Ram Rights" *ahem ahem*. Also, just to keep you posted on previous events, I have since returned to the Jersey Gardens Mall and exchanged the two right shoes for a right and a left. The next day, I went out to play softball and forgot to change into my cleats, and got dirt in EVERY POSSIBLE CREVICE of those shoes.

But back to E. See, I have an uncanny yet unsurprising ability to fail tests that don't have right or wrong answers. It's incredible, really. For example, I took a test a few weeks ago to determine which careers I was best suited for. It was a simple test, asking questions about my likes and dislikes, values, personality type, etc. When I received my computerized results via email, I read a statement that basically said (in lots of technical jargon):

Scientifically speaking, you shouldn't be able to exist.

Well, that's about accurate. I've always said that I can singlehandedly disprove Darwin's Theory of Evolution by my mere existence. If survival of the fittest were true, I would SO not be around right now. However, I think they were more referring to the fact that my answers were seemingly contradictory and my personality type was undefinable... so they couldn't really give me results.

But don't think this is the first time that I've confounded a test of this nature. Some of you may remember the Spiritual Gifts inventory that Brian gave out at Transitions a while back. In case you weren't familiar, it was basically a questionnaire that helped to show you what some of your spiritual gifts might be and then gave some ministries that might be a good fit with a person of that particular gifting.

This was very exciting to me, as I had no clue what gift I might have. The gift of Foolishness wasn't listed, so I figured this might be an opportunity to branch out and fan into flame some of those other gifts that might be lying dormant. (I've now sat here for about 30 seconds, laughing hysterically at the word 'dormant.' I have no idea why.) I finished up the questions and then began adding up the numbers. The higher your number, the more you line up with that particular gift. If I remember correctly, which is unlikely, a score of 9 or higher indicated that you might be gifted in this area. When I finished, I sat scratching my head... because my paper looked something like this:

Gift 1: 5

Gift 2: 5

Gift 3: 5

Gift 4: 5

Gift 6: 5

Gift 7: 0

Gift 8: 5

Gift 9: 5

Gift 10: 5

Amazing. I rightly deduced that I probably should not pursue a career in Gift 7, but after that I was a bit stuck. I thought that maybe my computation was inaccurate or that I wasn't taking the test correctly, so I waited a couple of weeks and tried again-- same result.

Not a problem, people! I have since discovered that I have one of the cooler spiritual gifts out there. Remember when you took those evil tests in high school that had three multiple choice questions and then the choices 'all of the above' and 'none of the above'? Well, choice E was always 'none of the above.' It didn't mean "nothing," it just meant "not on this list of choices." That's my gift! E. I love it-- it's adaptable, interchangable and undefinable. And speaking of undefinable...

******

Who is Sam Hill? And why was he so important? Why do people say, 'What in the name of Sam Hill...?' What does that even mean?

******

Customer Service Representative: Welcome to God's, how can I help you?

Me: Oh, um, yes. Hi! Um, I need to return a gift.

CSR: ... I'm... sorry?

Me: I need to return a gift, please. It's malfunctioning.

CSR: Oh! I see. You're looking for Repairs. Down the hall, first door on your left.

Me: No, you don't understand. I don't want it fixed. I don't like it. I want to return it. It doesn't work, and it just brings me pain and frustration. It was obviously given to the wrong person, so if I could just give it back and be on my way, I would appreciate it.

CSR: .... Oh...... I see. *looks very confused* I'm sorry, it's just that... we don't accept returns.

Me: Oh. Okay, then I'll just exchange it. Any chance I could trade it for the ability to fly?? I've always wanted to do that. Or maybe omniscience, yeah, that'd be cool. But that one's probably for owners only, right? No matter. Just point me towards the Holy Spirit section and I'm sure I can find something in there.

CSR: I'm sorry, ma'am. We don't do exchanges either.

Me: Then what good are you?! Look, you don't seem to understand my situation. Other people have gifts, and they work. They use them, and people are blessed and God's kingdom is expanded. My gift isn't like that. It hurts me and it hurts other people. It controls me instead of me controlling it. It doesn't help anyone and it's not bringing any glory to God. I wouldn't call it a gift. I'd call it a thorn. A problem. A hindrance. I don't want it, and I'm sure that God doesn't want me to have it. If He did, then it would work and I wouldn't be here.

CSR: .... I understand, ma'am. I think there's someone here who might be able to help you. Would you mind waiting for a moment?

*I wait. After a few minutes, CSR returns with a man wearing a God's uniform.*

Me: Are you the manager? Great. Let me explain why I'm here, and--

Paul: I know why you're here. You'd like to exchange a gift, right?

Me: .... well, yes. How did you know that?

Paul: I used to come here for the exact same reason.

Me: Really?

Paul: Really. In fact... I came three times.

Me: THREE times! That's perseverence. I'm hoping I only have to come this once. It's not like it's easy to get here, you know. That winding staircase is a killer. So, where did you go? Who did you have to talk to in order to give back your gift?

Paul: Well, that's just it. I talked to everyone. I came to Customer Service and they wouldn't listen. I was desperate, you know, so I made a big stink. I asked to see the manager, and then I asked to see HIS manager. I complained so much and I was so insistent that I finally got an audience with the Owner.

Me: *jaw drops* You did not.

Paul: I assure you, I did.

Me: WHOA!!! Well, that's GREAT! He must have been able to do something for you, right? I hear that He's the one who decides who gets which gifts in the first place. So.... you told him that He must have made a mistake... and you want Him to take it back!

Paul: I did.

Me: And?? What did He say?

Paul: "My strength is made perfect in your weakness."

Me: .... huh?

Paul: He said, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness." He told me that He had given me that gift for a purpose, and that part of that purpose was learning what it meant to be weak so that He could show Himself strong. See, Amy, if your gift was managable and if you could make it work, then you wouldn't need Him. You'd be able to make things happen on your own, and that would take away from the main reason why He gave you the gift in the first place... to glorify Him. I used to think that if I couldn't control something, or if something caused me pain, it was evil and that I could just ask and it would be taken away. Now I know better. Now I know that my thorn was an opportunity for Him to shine. Now I BOAST in my weaknesses, my thorns, and my 'malfunctioning' gifts. For when I am weak...

Me: .... He is made strong. Thanks, Paul.

CSR: Is there anything else I can help you with today, ma'am?

Me: .... yes, Ma'am. Do you have any Grace in stock?

CSR: Always. That product is a part of our In-Stock Guarantee program. Just stop by the Mercy Seat on your way out. It's waiting there for you.

Me: Thanks.

CSR: And thank you for shopping at God's.

A-Musings I: Reject Demons and Ram Rights

Amy: You know when you have an interlude dream?

Innocent Bystander: Uh.... what?

Amy: An interlude dream. Like... you finish your first dream. And then before you have your next dream, there's a... an interlude. Like a little scene, real short, in between dreams.

IB: ..............what???

Amy: *sighs impatiently* It's just a little vignette. A short scene. It's almost like the second dream wasn't quite ready to begin yet, so they just had to pull something off the shelf and show it real quick while they got ready.

IB: You... you have to stop pretending that you're normal.

EXCellently put, IB! This little conversation served as the perfect introduction to the A-Musings series, the first series to debut as part of Foolish Things Ministries. Before we begin, I'd like to shout out to two people in particular that were instrumental in developing this series. My roommate, Nana, who has been listening to A-Musings for about 2 years now, and hasn't yet had me committed. A thousand thanks, Nana. And a special thanks also to Patty, who had the audacity and fearlessness to say "I wish I could get inside your head" before Story of Love on Friday, which gave me the courage to think that perhaps other might be able to survive the experience. Please take special note of the Surgeon General's Warnings contained in the archived episodes "The Keys To Success" before reading on.
******
You know who I really can't stand? MAILER-DAEMON. You know who that is, right? The guy who bounces all your e-mails back to you for no apparent reason? Simpleton as I am, I used to think there was just one, and that it was just some computer hacker or something. Oh, but I'm onto their little game now. Oh yes. Gotta get up PRET-TY early in the morning to pull one over MY eyes.

See, first of all, they're organized. There's a "mailer daemon" for every e-mail system that exists. Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL, Mac, you name it, they've got a daemon. You know what, let's be real. Take out that "A," which, by the way, is a pitiful attempt for them to disguise their true nature. Just cause you stuck that extra little "A" in your last name, you think you can fool people, huh? MAILER DAY-EE-MON. Pathetic.

But then I started thinking... man, that demon sure got grunt duty. I mean, here they are, trying to serve the devil, bring down Christians, thwart God's plans for the world... big-time stuff... and here's this one guy (or several guys), stuck in a mail room somewhere, bouncing back e-mails.

See, MY theory is, they're the rejects. They must have been assigned to people who ended up getting saved, and then they were in HOT WATER... or should I say... HOT FIRE *badoom crash.* The boss was probably none too happy with them, since they failed miserably at their jobs, but they had to put them SOMEplace. So... mail room it was. You kinda feel bad for them. So who knows? If you're a Christian, maybe you were personally responsible for the creation of another MAILER-DAEMON.
******
Speaking of salvation, you know what else gets my dander up? The word dander. What's THAT expression about? Also, I feel as though I need to begin to champion a very serious cause, and I'm hoping you'll join me. Now. I know that, in the end, it's really all about the Lord. Like the apostle Paul once said, "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow." I understand that it really doesn't matter who gets the credit for things. However, I really believe that the Christian community as a whole is guilty of grossly underestimating the role of a very key Biblical player.

If it were not for this character, Israel would never have come into existence. In fact, if I may be so bold, it would not have been possible for our Savior to have been born without the champion of my cause. I daresay, I have never heard a preacher, songwriter, teacher or evangelist spend more than 2 minutes on this individual... yet billions of sermons, songs, lessons and exhortations are a DIRECT RESULT of this hero. One of the very names of God Himself was birthed because of his involvement in God's sovereign plan.

The ram.

Yes, that's right. And for further proof that we have made such an egregious error in forgetting his accomplishment, I bet most of you are staring at the screen right now thinking "the ram.... hmm... now, which ram was this?" or "ram, ram, ram.... sorry, not ringing a bell."

The ram, people! You know the story-- God wakes Abraham up one day and tells him to go take his son Isaac and sacrifice him... Abraham puts Isaac on the altar, raises his arm to slaughter his son, and the angel of the Lord appears! And what happens?

"Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called that place JEHOVAH JIREH (The Lord Will Provide)." (Gen 22:13-14)

Can you just take a minute and imagine this from the ram's perspective? See, I happen to think that God supernaturally transported the ram to that spot at the last minute. Cause what animal would come over and graze near a place where there was commotion? So here's the ram, chillin', minding his own business and chewing on some grass. Maybe thinking about his upcoming nap, or pondering whether or not to approach the ramette that he noticed as he was coming down to graze. He bends down to eat another morsel, opens his mouth... and suddenly notices that something's different. Mouth still open, he looks up slowly with his eyes... and he sees a boy tied down to an altar, head up, looking in his direction. Abraham, with knife in hand, eyeing him with relief. And an angel, hovering above it all, pointing at him.

Aw, COME ON!!!!, he might have said (in ram of course. Hebrew ram.) He tries to get away... but his dumb horns are caught in some thicket. Of course, THEN he remembers his mother's nagging voice: I told you to CUT those things! And before you know it, he's dead. Sacrificed on the altar, as Abraham and Isaac walk away, arms entertwined, appropriately grateful to God for sparing Isaac's life.

Now, I am not asking for much. Just a little bit of respect, admiration, and dare I say gratitude for this innocent ram, plucked from his home and martyred so that the plan of God could go forth. But no. No sermons... no songs. No mention in Foxe's Book of Martyrs.

I am hereby championing the RRC (Ram Rights Coalition) so that we can educate those around us as to the importance of this underrated, crucial character.

I would like to give special mention here to Michael Card, whose song "El Shaddai" made mention of this heroic act. As quoted here in verse 2:

"Through Your love and through the ram / You saved the son of Abraham."

And finally, two thumbs firmly down to Jody McBreyer and Avalon, who had a perfect opportunity to include the ram in their song "You Were There," but failed to do so. Again, in verse 2:

"So there he stood upon that hill / Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill / But God in all His sovereignty had bigger plans / And just in time / He brought a lamb."

..... a WHAT?????? A RAM!!!!! IT RHYMES!!!!

No respect. Help me out here, people. Education is the key to ending ignorance.