Of Mice (and Roaches) And Men

I had no idea that roaches could tell time.

I can't say I'm surprised, of course. As in my recent epiphany about mailer-daemons (mailer-daemi?), I'm well aware of the organizational capabilities of the powers of darkness. I'm just saying that I much preferred dwelling in blissful ignorance.

Here at 202 Flatbush, we have a resident roach named Stan. He works alone, fortunately, and seems to reside only in our bathroom... and none of my roommates have seen him for weeks now. I, on the other hand, have seen him three times this week alone. Normally I would consider the possibility that Stan was a figment of my imagination, or part of a very vivid dream. However, the last time that I saw him the door jamb got in the way of my rapidly flailing limbs and left me with a very tangible piece of evidence to the contrary (in the form of a colorful bruise on my left forearm). Upon further investigation, I realized that the reason why my roommates have probably not encountered Stan recently is that I've only seen him between midnight and 1:00 am, when my roommates are asleep. Why is it that Stan chooses to manifest only between these hours? I can't imagine. Frankly, I'd rather not imagine. All I know is that in the nanoseconds between making visual contact with Stan and creating an Amy-shaped hole in the bathroom door... I can see the plotting in his roachy eyes.

Do roaches have eyes? *pause for thought*

Even if they didn't, and the alleged "plotting" that I saw in Stan's eyes was actually a well-placed speck of dirt, that does NOT dissuade me from believing that these midnight appearances are more than mere coincidence. Stan is not the only Creature of Darkness that has invaded our domain-- several months ago there was Norm and Babycakes and several of their minions.

What NOT To Say When A Friend Text Messages You, Panic-Stricken, Because A Mouse Has Just Run Out of Her Closet at Midnight And She Tells You She Is Standing On Her Bed Armed With Only a Flashlight

(these were actual responses given)

• Just pray him out.
• Well, coax him into a corner and catch him. Do you have any Tupperware?
• HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I do love my friends dearly, but there was some serious ball droppage here.

Regardless, there was a very obvious pattern of calculation in Norm's maneuvers from the very beginning. There was "Just Disgust" (appearing for the first time on TOP of our kitchen counter), "Element of Surprise" (sending two cronies to get caught in a glue trap and somehow sliding said trap so that it would be within inches of Amy's feet when she sat down at the computer) and, of course, "The Decoy" (allowing a compadre with similar coloring to get caught, making us think that the nightmare was over). "The Decoy" failed miserably however... Norm was a dark-skinned rodent, and his poorly chosen decoy was clearly mulatto.

Even though that particular tactic failed, the war waged on for weeks and caused irreperable psychological damage. I could just see Norm sitting at his Mac somewhere behind the walls of our living room, receiving updates from Personnel and checking his Human Distress Meter before a debriefing with the infantry.

See, this is just one more reason why I believe that there are some creatures that fall outside of God's original plan for the earth. Think about other creatures that might end up inside an apartment. Take flies, for example. What do they do when they find themselves indoors? Either head immediately for the nearest lamp and scald themselves to death, or attempt to fly out a closed window over and over again until they knock themselves unconscious (or are helped along by a flyswatter or, depending on the patience level of the homeowner, an unabridged dictionary). CLEARLY no intelligence is involved here. But roaches? Rodents? They bide their time... wait for the proper moment... and then strike. They must be receiving their orders from SOMEwhere.

Which is why I believe that, rather than having been created by God on the sixth day of creation like all of the nice creatures such as bunnies and panda bears... some creatures came about as a direct result of the fall of man. Seriously, can you imagine Adam and Eve fellowshipping with, say, a louse? No, no, no. It must have been that, just like death, certain things came about as a result of sin.

Adam: *crunching* Mmm, great idea, Eve. This apple tastes GREAT!

Eve: See, if you'd just LISTEN to me once in a while, you'd AAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEE!!! WHAT IS THAT HIDEOUS THING???

Adam: Hey, I thought you liked it when I wore my hair this way.

Eve: Not YOU-- THAT!!! It's hideous! Whoa, and it's FAST! *jumps up on tree stump* KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!

Adam: Sorry, the first murder of the Bible is reserved for our son.

Eve: What's the Bible?

I know, I know. It might be a bit theologically unsound. But come on, people... if any creature can embody sin, it would be a roach or a rat. Unfortunately for Adam and Eve, the Rat Zapper (www.ratzapper.com) was not invented until 1994. I'll spare you the details but let's just say that Norm's minions have returned to their maker... whoever it may be.

Or it could be that I live in New York City, whose official population would quadruple if roaches and rats were included in the census, and that I should stop whining and pray those rodents out of my apartment. Well, if THAT be true... then how do you explain THIS???

Amy's Great Adventurette XXXVII: Norm's Revenge

After a long day of helping Zakiya and Jeff move out of their apartment, I was trudging back up the stairs after bringing down another armful of goods to be loaded into the van. I stopped to chat with Z for a few minutes, making sure that all was well with the last bit of packing, and I even managed to avoid tripping over the doorway that had bested me seven other times that day. Feeling somewhat proud of myself for that small accomplishment, I grabbed a couple of garbage bags and started to make my way down the stairs... when I felt a strange sensation on my right foot. It felt like I was dragging something on my sneaker. Perhaps a stray paper towel, or a plastic bag? Right before I looked down, I remembered thinking "it almost feels.. sticky."

There, stuck firmly to my right sneaker... was a glue trap.

".... um .... Zakiya ....?"

Zakiya walked out of the kitchen, took one look at the situation at hand, and said, "This is N.G. Not Good."

No, seriously, Zakiya handled the situation extremely well and managed to come rather quickly to my aid, despite laughing uproariously. I would like to take this opportunity to commend CatchMaster, Inc. for the fine quality of their product, because it was nearly impossible to get that thing off of my shoe. After a great deal of straining and the strategic use of a paper towel, I was free. I tested a couple of steps and it felt like I had just stepped in gum. I smiled bravely and thanked Zakiya for her help as she threw out the offending trap and then made it almost to the refrigerator before succumbing to another bout of laughter.

It was funny, though, because as I started toward the steps again, it was my LEFT foot that started feeling sticky. I mean, I've heard of phantom pains but that's a little excessive. Just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind, I looked down at my other sneaker.

".... um.... Zakiya ....?

By this point, I thought that poor Zakiya was going to die. I don't know how she even made it back out to the hallway to help me scrape off YET ANOTHER glue trap. And, in case you haven't assumed this already, yes, these ARE the same sneakers that were featured in "Putting My Best Foot Forward."

Now tell me that this wasn't an OBVIOUS revenge attempt by the sin-spawned vermin whose comrades succumbed to my Rat Zapper. I'm sure that Norm enjoyed every moment as he watched via video conferencing before powering down his iBook for the evening.

Well, it's almost midnight, so I might as well go check on Stan. Babycakes, incidentally, was the name of the perp that came out of my closet that fateful evening. I knew that HE wasn't Norm because Babycakes was white and only half Norm's size. At least Norm is an equal opportunity employer.